Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
