I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Bring me that man meat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
