I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
