I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
