i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
