It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
