i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
