Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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