My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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