I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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