You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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