When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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