sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
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so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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