I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
