yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
