I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
