the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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