Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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