My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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