So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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