He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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