Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
