If i come over, it means nothing
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
