I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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