VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
