I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
