Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you win again, gameday.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
