he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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