Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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