thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
whose parrot is this?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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