alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
