Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
