And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
