Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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