I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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