Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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