The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
