I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
