It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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