then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
