Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
