Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
