HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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