I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
