so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
