mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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