I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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