So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I wish there were birth control emojis
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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