Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize