Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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