I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out