The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
