I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.