My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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