Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
