What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
