my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
