He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
