I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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