a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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