We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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