Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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